Freaks.

Sorry I'm just not a fan of freaks. I'm not talking about the freaks immediately below either. I actually like them.

No, I'm talking about real freaks. Like deformed freaks. Inbred freaks. The kind that live under the stairs or in The Ozarks or in the attic.

It started when I saw Pet Sematary (how the movie title is spelled) when I was a kid and was introduced to Zelda- the deformed sister who puked up porridge in the attic. Since then my fear has escalated to the point where I can't even look at people with slightly misshapen heads on account they may be the product of inter-cousin relations.

I couldn't even watch The Smurfs because I thought they were members of the "Blue Fugates," an inbred Kentucky hill clan who suffered from a rare genetic blood disorder that made their skin look blue. Like check it out...Pappa Smurf or Blue Fugate...which is which?!?!?

Look, if you're worried about giving birth to some sort of ungodly abomination here are some simple steps you can take:

1) Don't bone your attractive cousin. NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE. This one is crucial.

2) Don't live in or around The Ozark Mountains. According to the movie Deliverance Don't take a canoe trip through them either.

3) Don't drop LSD or smoke crack while pregnant.

4) Don't visit the Island of Dr. Moreau.

5) Stop looking at your attractive cousin! SERIOUSLY! COME ON!!!!

Stick to this and you should be safe.

Oh, one more thing. This is the only freak-related thing I like. It's the song Hunted by a Freak by Mogwai. I AM still afraid of the title though as it's my worst nightmare.