Joaquin Phoenix are you jokequin' me?

So I did a little text talk with my friend Becky earlier today and she informed of the news.






It went like this:
Becky: Loved your Kanye West blog...made me laugh out loud...

Me: Aw shucks.

Becky: Blog about this cuz I think it's insane: Joaquin Phoenix is pursuing a career as a rap artist. His first album will be produced by P Diddy. Casey Affleck will film a doc about his journey from actor to rapper.

Me: Is it April the 1st today?

Becky: No.

Me: Am I dead?

Becky: Maybe a little inside.

Me: Excuse me while I wipe the vomit from my Joaquin Phoenix influenced beard..which I will now shave off and turn to life of crime because I no longer believe in anything.

Oh, it's true friends. Don't believe me? Here's the link:
http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=10e9f7b3-b41b-4992-841c-3484ff31c454

Wow. Like what's his rap name going to be MC Cleft Lip? Here's another.
http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2009/01/16/joaquin-phoenixs-next-big-role-rapper-co-signed-by-diddy/

Someone commented on the above article by saying that "If Joaquin pulls this off right he'll be up there with Andy Kaufman."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uQlB99WCuk

I would have to agree with that statement. If this is some elaborate joke that Joaquin and his buddies came up with while drunk at a strip club and decided to act on for shits and giggles because they were bored with Hollywood and wanted to stir things up then the dude is a genius.

Unfortunately something deep in my soul tells me that this is not the case.

Like rap?!?!
Honestly, what the fuck?
If you really wanted a serious music career then why not do the Johnny Cash influenced countrified singer/ sogwriter thing. At least it's plausible! Weren't you nominated for an Oscar for rocking that style of shit in Walk the Line? Didn't you win a fucking Grammy?!?!?!?!?!? Me thinks you did.

All I can do is pray that you are a comic genius in disguise and this is your masterwork. You were so pissed that you didn't win the Oscar for Walk the Line ( just every other award) that you went all punk rock on the acting community, right?! You're pulling the wool over everyones eyes and just when you have us all believing the the hype you'll be all " PSYCHE bitches!" Right?
That's what I believe.
I have to.

J

Kanye West is stone cold crazy as fuck.

Which leads me to the question: Is a person's level of craziness proportional to the amount of money and/or celebrity they have? It seems that way to me.

I don't have to mention any OTHER names, you know who these celebs are...you know the ones who have lost the plot somewhere along the line. The ones who left their baby momma/ daddy for their Puerto Rican dancer or lawn guy. The ones who's plastic surgeon fucked up their nose one too many times causing them to shave their head and flash their vahhhhhhhhina for a picture posse hanging outside the gates of their ranch in the hills or at The Ivy. Maybe I'm amalgamating all troubled celebs into one giant SUPERCELEB, but I do it to make a point. My point is this: For all of the madness that we've payed witness to by our famous friends, I truly believe that Kanye West is the fucking craziest of them all.


I saw it during a 2005 benefit for Hurricane Katrina victims.
http://www.scandalist.com/2008-08-04/13-kanye-west-says-george-bush-doesnt-care-about-black-people/

I've seen it whenever he's won an award.
http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2008/11/23/Kanye_West_I_wanna_be_Elvis/UPI-70821227493036/

And this latest tidbit of info is just the icing on the cake.
http://blog.inmusic.ca/inmusic/2009/01/kanye-wants-to-pose-naked.html

No Kanye, we don't want to see you naked. Even people who love your music don't want to see you naked. Even my friend's horny sister doesn't want to see you naked.
The only way anyone would EVER want to see you naked is if you were pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair, and even that's a stretch....and disgusting to think about.

Creepy, crazy and really a pointless exercise.

Like what? You're going to show the world that you can make popular music plus you have a six pack to boot? Why would you even waste your time? It's the sign of someone with MASSIVE insecurities and it's Ker-A-Zeeeee.

I would rather be captured by Commies after running from schrapnel in a post-apocalyptic warzone while trying to save endangered Siberian Tiger cubs before I just up and told the world that they needed to see me naked. Then again, I'm still carrying some extra holiday weight.

Keep in mind, crazy to me is not necessarily a negative thing. I'm loopy as shit.
In Kanye's case I think he might just be a poor, misguided soul surrounded by yes men. His heart may be in the right place, after all he's done some positive things for hip hop, his culture, sticking up for gay rights etc., but man oh MAN can you please cool your jets a bit?!

If this is the type of stuff you're willing to do to stay a relevant media topic, then I fear for your future. That whole "I'm a rebel who can do and say anything, but I can also handle my business" thing went out of style when Madonna made her sex book...and she did it better.

I kind of like that Gold Digger track though.

http://hypem.com/popup.php?current_url=L3NlYXJjaC9nb2xkJTIwZGlnZ2VyLzEv&list=eNoNjMENAEAIwhbioSio%2By9292pIQyd5K%2FgmLuDh%2FqVb66DdoiG6TPRK2R8RXrTn%2FqHtqfpg87uQO1C%2FlUY5VUQpOAPmXAXyLoN4pYUX4g%3D%3D

J

People love lists...

so we're going to give some to you.

To kick it all off I'm giving you my list of favorite albums from 2008.

1. The Seldom Seen Kid - Elbow

Basically the song "Grounds for Divorce" is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. What makes it even better is that the band came on the tv show I produce in Vancouver and played it acoustically. Two guitars, one harmonica and five person vocal harmonies. Sadly Elbow are an extremely underrated band. Buy this and then buy their albums "Leaders of the Free World" and " Cast of Thousands." Most of it's pretty chill but if all you ever wanted was an earful of techno dance beats then you'd be fairly one dimensional wouldn't you? Yes, you would.

www.myspace.com/elbowmusic

2. Only By The Night - Kings of Leon

I'm told that the ladies love these heartthrob hicks from the backwaters of Tennessee cuz they look good in a tight plaid shirt and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Did they sign on to be the next poster boys for the Hollywould-you-indie-rock-me-right-out-of-my-skin-tight-jeans scene? I doubt it. There's too much sincerity here. Great highway album.

www.myspace.com/kingsofleon

3. In the Future- Black Mountain

This album feels like I went back in time to 1975, stole back the Sports Almanac from my nemesis, came back to 2008, realized that it was just the sports almanac dust jacket containing a French porno mag, and suddenly all the music had changed (because there had beena temperal disturbance in 1975 thus changing the current 2008 into an alternate 2008) .
Seventies-style prog rock in 2008. Updated for the beat generation. This will rock a wusses ass.

www.myspace.com/blackmountain

4. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

Likewise the Fleet Foxes sound like they're from a bygone era. Think the song Sea of Love as interpreted by My Morning Jacket and that's kind of the vibe I'm getting here.

www.myspace.com/fleetfoxes

5. Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Nick Cave is a fucking genius.

www.myspace.com/nickcaveandthebadseeds

6. Sebastien Grainger & The Mountains (LP)

So everyone was all like DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979 is the best Canadian band of all time! They were right. Then DFA went on a world tour and came back DOA. People were sad. Then the bass player became the spokesperson for some power tools and created a band named after them call MSTRKRFT. The drummer/singer took his sweet ass time but finally created this gem. Renegade Silence has been my theme song for months.

www.myspace.com/sebastiengrainger

7. Heads Off - The Hellacopters

These Swedes make better rock 'n roll than you or your friends could ever hope to make.

www.myspace.com/hellacopters

8. Oracular Spectacular- MGMT

Some people think that these magical midget pixies are from another planet and they've come here to show us how the make music in the eighth dimension. Other people like my friend Trevor Risk fucking hate this band.

www.myspace.com/mgmt

9. Modern Guilt - Beck

When Beck played Vancouver he did this three or four song set midway through the concert where he whipped out his iPhone and made songs with it. People rejoiced like they'd just seen some real next level shit. I walked away from that concert asking my self one crucial question: How does Beck keep making better hip hop then most full fledged hip hop artists without even trying?

www.myspace.com/beck

10. Missiles - The Dears

This album is so explosively intense that while it was being made most of the members of the band couldn't handle it and quit. This is The Dears White Album. It's amazing. Singer Murray Lightburn has symphonies in his head. This album made me cry steel tears of joy.

www.myspace.com/thedears

11. London Zoo - The Bug

The Bug crawled into my skull. It hasn't left yet. I think it laid some eggs. I might need to go to the doctor.

www.myspace.com/thebuguk

That's it.

Jay

Moments

We have all had them, a moment that makes us pause and think ! Sometimes it's a song on the radio, a conversation with a friend, for me it was a sunset! A pretty amazing sunset, sometimes we don't even have the time to appreciate them but on this particular day, I had the time and I did. WOW ! It's kinda crazy how caught up in one thing or another we can become. But the question is what the hell can we do to find a balance between, fun, work, friends.. I try to bring them together, for some of you that doesn't work? I'd love to hear what you guys have planned for 2009 and what you plan on doing to make it better than 2008.

Best

Vintage

THE FUTURE OF HOTMESS

It's 2009 and we're feelin' fine!

So good in fact that we're willing to give away our shows for free! Just go to the iTunes stores and search for hotmess podcast. Click subscribe and you're on your way to maximum hilarity and kick ass music.

Wow 2009. I remember partying like it was 1999 like it was yesterday. Time seems to be speeding up. This has made me think about the future of our podcast and blog. I have a vision...

One day in the future people will look back at said podcast and listen with wonder. It's like a sexy timecapsule that will be used to study early 21st century man.


In the future robots will do the robot to the music we play.

When they unfreeze Walt Disney he'll likely dedicate a theme park to us.

Aliens will stop killing people by planting eggs in their chests and spitting acid in their faces. Instead, they'll just chill and have a retro-electro dance party(they're dancing together in the picture). They'll draw up a ceasefire with Predator and the universe will know peace.

Future earthlings will erect statues of erect penises in our honour.

Humanity will advance so much because of our podcast that we will acheive the singularity. Suddenly mankind will be able to perceive all time and space at once and the future will be so bright that babies will be born wearing shades.

So check it out y'all and remember this moment in time. We're making history.
BOOOOO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

Jay

Hot Mess Happu New Year

Ok, so here is the scoope, Vintage is a serious hot mess. It's 2009 I am in Beverly Hills California and I am still comepletely wasted. This is not how I wanted to ring in 2009 buy I have no choice 3 quarters of a 40 of vodka later Katy Perry LMFO and the Paramount Studios later here I am blogging at 3am barely able to type and trying so hard to be sober. Hope you all have a kick ass start to 2009 and a continiuing of a great year ! !!!! Please help me lift my drunk ass off the floor. it is sad how long it took me to type this blog...



vintage

The Great Blog

Ok so I had this really funny blog planned out that only worked with the amazing picture that I took at 711 last night, but my phone got fucking Jacked. Yes thats right, here is me at the gym working out, phone in locker and I go to leave, hmm why is my locker open I know I locked it. Oh look its still locked but the door is open and oh look my bag is empty. Karma to you thieves thats all I have to say is Karma is a muther fucking bitch !

Vintage

The Snow

I'm blogging as I sit here at a bus station, surprisingly not that
cold, rocking out to Use Somebody by the Kings of Leon, the snow
continues to filter from above like never ending confetti cannons at a
Mika concert. The entire landscape looks like it's under renovations
and someone's thrown drop clothes to protect everything including
the trees. How Lucky are you Mr. Anderson, off to all things warm and sunny, I hope your flight was
able to take off to the Dominican today. Snow it's a funny weather
phenomen, as much as I hate the damn stuff it's really cool how tuff
situtions seem to bring everyone together, people helping you push
your stuck car, picking you up when you fall. I'll be happy to see it
all melt away but it has had a little charm to it.
From me an all the hot mess crew get around safe out there and be good
to each other out there in winterland.

Brrr

Vintage

Old New? New Old?

Ok so the Hot Mess Crew is so Damn Yummy looking that people are just lining up to take our picture.. Hah Hah, no seriously Sam and Matt tested their modeling skills for Foxhuntvintage.com your online portal for all things vintage and funky. Check out the site for some super sick photos of our two hosts coming very very soon.

Holla

Vintage

My favorite porn is Jurrasic Pork

This baby mammoth, discovered in north-western Siberia, is the best preserved specimen of its kind ever found on planet earth...it's likely there are even better specimens on Hoth, or Elephantitus 4 in the Trunkular Galaxy, but I digress.

I know this is old news but all of the recent Vancouver snow has reminded me of this story as mammoths liked living in snowy climates because they were such good skiers.

In turn this story of prehistoric discovery has reminded me how fucking stupid people are.

You see this little tike's trunk and fur were so well preserved that scientists think they can extract enough undamaged DNA to play god and/or the kids from Weird Science and make some of these hairy bastards in their graduated cylinders. The problem is they couldn't find the righ bras to wear on their heads.

Oh, the other problem is that it's a dumb idea. Shit happens for a reason. Species die. So does your grandma. Get over it. Re-introducing these or any other extinct animals into our world will have negative consequences. Jurrasic Park told us so. If you don't know what I'm talking about rent that shit or better yet read the book. Potential dormant ancient diseases, mammoth stampedes, tusks in my anus. These things scare me.

After 10,000 years of laying in it's final resting place this baby was dug up only to be poked and prodded by a room full of nerds. How would you like it if 100 years from now Dilbert, House and Dr. Octopus dug up your bones and desecrated your tomb?

You'd be pissed and your ghost would likely haunt them.

In the words of the creepy old guy from Pet Cemetary "sometimes dead is better."

We have a Christmas show this Friday. Hot Mess 101.9fm 6- 7:30pm.

Jay

The best blog ever, aside from this blog, obviously.

Okay, so my friend sent me this blog Fuck You Penguin! because she thought I'd like it, and she was wrong, I don't like it, I don't even love it, I AM OBSESSED WITH IT. So please, after you've worshipped our blog, like, a lot, go check out this blog and read every single post, because animals should be put in their place. Here are two of my favourites....

Swans are nature's Porsche Drivers...

You know, there was once an ugly duckling who got picked on all of the time by the other ducks, who couldn't understand why the duckling was so ugly. But then it turned out that duckling wasn't really a duck at all, but was in fact a TOTAL FUCKING DICK.

Take this world-class douche, for example. Everyone is just hanging out, having a good time, and Mr. "My wingspan is bigger than yours" decides to unload on the scene. Even his swan friend is embarrassed. He probably does it all the fucking time because let's be honest: that's just what swans do. Me personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with a fucking swan.

Red "Panda" Trying to Steal Panda Thunder...

Ummm... Excuse me? Red Panda? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO FOOL. This is a panda, you little sneaky jerk-off. Just because you are holding bamboo doesn't make you a panda, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. You are a fox or a raccoon, or some kind of rodent or something.

Where did you have this picture taken anyway, Sears? Are you that desperate to prevent your species from total annihilation?

This bear is essentially raping my soul

So basically this totally thoughtless motherfucker decided regular bears weren't cute enough. His solution? GIVE HIMSELF NATURAL FUCKING EYEGLASSES. Then, becoming the single cutest animal on the face of the earth, he laid on his fucking back so we could all see his goddamn belly, and then furtively glanced in our direction, thereby rendering any potential defense against his advances totally useless. Well played, Bear. I'm going to go take a shower now.

Take Off - Two of our CO-Hosts Lock it down for some hot Photos

This is where Hot Mess Comes From

Yes we do broadcast from the clean and classy CITR studios. Maybe they should spend some of the cash money from their fundraiser on a fuckin swiffer. Hah !

Monsters and Vodka, Children Jerky and a Tassle Bra.

Holy Crap. Warm white wine, monsters and vodka are not the best idea while trying to do a radio show. As sexy as drooling on the mic might sound over your air waves, the look was a little less glamorous. Cherk killed it on the decks and Will Sasso ripped us all a new one.

 Though it was most definitely our messiest, it was also our most awesome show to date in my opinion... After Nanny Matt took Jay for a time-out, Eddy and I somehow managed to round out a second show. 

Ed why are you so smart and sober? How did you get so wise? 

I was still nursing a doozy of a hangover from the night before, I finally finished my yoga teacher training, and went to give my friends a squeeze and have a celebratory cocktail with my roomie Miss V on the Patio with Bazz (Ernold Sane), Cherk (short for Children Jerky) and all my Hot and Messy crew.

Republic Patio Feat. Blondtron and Handsome Anderson V 1.

Not very yogic I know. I had offered to buy my classmates a bevy and they all laughed because they thought I was joking... no vodka on the raw food diet guys?

After the show I met up with Matt and Jay aka Sir Throwandyellalot. Matt and I ditched out on Jay, leaving him to have it out with a parking meter that had so rudely got in his way. Then we went to get a lil more Cherkage and set the Republic Patio on fire.

A sobering experience? Getting the same stamp on top of last nights stamp that hadn't quite washed off yet. Matt, we should probably get a life.

A few shots of tequila cured our shame and we seriously gave it our all, I hadn't danced that hard in ages, so much effing fun. 

Republic Patio featuring Blondtron and Handsome Anderson V 2.0

I've decided to just wear a tassle bra, snake skin pants and a logger hat 

every day, because it brings out the best in me.

Texting-Your grammar pisses me off

First of all I want to explain there, their and they're.

They're means " they are" as in " They're using incorrect grammar and it's pissing me off."
There is a reference to a place, concrete or abstract such as "There is a spelling and grammar check on your computer. Use it." Or "The library is located over there."
Their is a possessive adjective indicating that a particular noun belongs to them.
"Their heads were so far up their asses I couldn't belive it."

LOL, LOMAO. LHQZWXXYTPRTGEWDSTEART. These things mean nothing to me. They only mean something to you and Gossip Girl.

"I know, right?" is just the worst valleygirl weirdness I've ever come across. It's not a sentence. It's not even a question. I DON'T know what you're talking about but I AM right.

In conclusion listen to our show tomorrow, Friday Dec. 12 Hot Mess Citr 101.9FM 6pm-7:30pm.


J

This is Hot Mess

Drunks

I am Surrounded by drunks, yes we are live on the air. I love our show, and I love my co-hosts. I must become a drunk ! !

Vintage!

MSTRKRFT on HOT MESS

So I just got off the email (is that phrase correct?!?!) with the powers that be and I believe that we will be bringing you an interview with MSTRKRFT very soon. They play The Plaza in Vancouver on the 28th of Dec. Tickets are on sale next week. get em here http://www.clubzone.com/

STAY TUNED FOR THAT PODCAST IN THE NEW YEAR!!!! It's sure to be a doozy.

www.myspace.com/mstrkrft

IN THE MEAN TIME WE DO HAVE A SHOW THIS FRIDAY AT 6PM ON CITR 101.9FM IN VANCOUVER with BLONDTRON (www.myspace.com/blondtron) bringing the beats! Plus we'll give ya a few choice surprises as per usual.

IF YOU CAN'T HEAR IT CUZ YOU LIVE ELSEWHERE FEAR NOT. You can always dowload our podcast for FREE on ITunes!!!!

PEACE. Jay

Dear Soul, where art thou?

Okay, So I haven't blogged for a while, but with good reason! I have been in Yoga teacher training, which you'd think would keep me out of trouble. But no, no it hasn't. On the flip side of my zen I have been on a post-break-up, new hair cut, party train rampage.

It all started Thursday night, when my dear friend and flame to my party dynamite Isis rolled up to my house around seven or eight and I yelled to Ernold Sane, she's home Smell ya later! (okay, sorry I had to, I love Fresh Prince) Isis is half of Thunderheist, the greatest Electro Dance ass shaking duo ever. They had a show in Vancouver Friday night and Saturday night in Whistler.

Download Jerk-It!!!

When Isis and I get together it's like dropping mentos in diet pepsi... explosive. She had just played a banging night with our Hot and Messy friend Bazz, aka Ernold Sane in Victoria and was still, eerrrrm possibly drunk. 

Peep Ernold Sane's new Crazy Ice Cream remix HERE.

I went to yoga and came home to her and my roommate Erin rolling around to the floor, practicing their sexy tiger prowl dance, screaming 'MAKE IT HAPPEN!' needless to say my vodka was all gone. So I sucked it up, had a shower and put on my party pants only to emerge to the two of them passed out to Little Britain. Phew, I can rest. Friday was a different story...

The evening started off gently with some Sake Bombs and copious amounts of sushi at a giant table of Dj's... seriously... 

Sammy Bananas..(Click here for a free download!)

 Grahmzilla, The half alive crew, My!gay!husband!, Sincerely Hana, and yours truly. I had to take off early as I had box seats to NKOTB and wasn't gonna miss it for the world. I arrive, to a box full of my lady friends dressed in their teenage hear throb revival Friday best. So the thing about box seats is that there is free booze. I had a magic bottle of white wine that never emptied. I danced on a railing, screamed for Donny at the top of my lungs and was passed out on the couch by Step by Step. The mysterious bottle of wine that never emptied ended up emptying me. Sushi does not look so good second time around. I don't really remember much from there...

Fast Forward to 3 AM. I awake from wine coma dripping with sweat in my car, with the heat on high, just blaring, to my 30th missed call. You see I was throwing the Thunderheist and Sammy Bananas afterparty with my friends at Schitz Popinov, and I was supposed to be there at 2 AM. I stumbled out of my car to the vast and empty Costco underground parking lot. Apparently this is one of those parking lots that closes at 12 AM. So I was trapped, and I set off all the alarms as I ran through corridors desperately trying to escape. I emerged from the parking lot to angels singing as a cab magically pulled up.

The rest is a blur, and what I do remember probably shouldn't be published to the internet. I will say that by noon the next day, we were still drunk sitting at Subeez, trying to eat some food.
On a whim, I decided to be a total roadie and go up to Whistler for their next show since I had slept through the Vancouver one which is really just unacceptable.
Jeremiah, DJ Neoteric picked us drunkards up, piled us in the back and it was up to Whis to do it all over again. I honestly thought I was going to die. The trick to continuous partying is not lying down, the second you do, it's game over. But I did, and was brutally awoken with a pillow to the head and a sip of scotch.

Off to the club, I may or may not have entered a booty shaking competition and I may or may not have won a giant pitcher of vodka.

Thunderheist killed it, as if I was surprised, these guys are the real deal and I'm their number one fan. If they didn't exist I'd be shooting myself on air and looping it for CanCon.

We decided to bring the party back to our Hotel suite but upon arrival realized that only dudes had come. So we put on our robes, turned on star trek and said thanks but no thanks... "uhhhh you guys are gonna have to go now."  They left us this note though, how sweet...

In closing I would like to send out a public plea to my soul.... Please come back, you are dearly missed.

Love Blondtron.

Ha Ha...

It's a funny sketch, and it's not often lately that SNL has a hit, unless it involves a Sarah Palin impression.. Check it out...