Friday, December 19, 2008

Old New? New Old?

Ok so the Hot Mess Crew is so Damn Yummy looking that people are just lining up to take our picture.. Hah Hah, no seriously Sam and Matt tested their modeling skills for your online portal for all things vintage and funky. Check out the site for some super sick photos of our two hosts coming very very soon.



Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My favorite porn is Jurrasic Pork

This baby mammoth, discovered in north-western Siberia, is the best preserved specimen of its kind ever found on planet's likely there are even better specimens on Hoth, or Elephantitus 4 in the Trunkular Galaxy, but I digress.

I know this is old news but all of the recent Vancouver snow has reminded me of this story as mammoths liked living in snowy climates because they were such good skiers.

In turn this story of prehistoric discovery has reminded me how fucking stupid people are.

You see this little tike's trunk and fur were so well preserved that scientists think they can extract enough undamaged DNA to play god and/or the kids from Weird Science and make some of these hairy bastards in their graduated cylinders. The problem is they couldn't find the righ bras to wear on their heads.

Oh, the other problem is that it's a dumb idea. Shit happens for a reason. Species die. So does your grandma. Get over it. Re-introducing these or any other extinct animals into our world will have negative consequences. Jurrasic Park told us so. If you don't know what I'm talking about rent that shit or better yet read the book. Potential dormant ancient diseases, mammoth stampedes, tusks in my anus. These things scare me.

After 10,000 years of laying in it's final resting place this baby was dug up only to be poked and prodded by a room full of nerds. How would you like it if 100 years from now Dilbert, House and Dr. Octopus dug up your bones and desecrated your tomb?

You'd be pissed and your ghost would likely haunt them.

In the words of the creepy old guy from Pet Cemetary "sometimes dead is better."

We have a Christmas show this Friday. Hot Mess 101.9fm 6- 7:30pm.


The best blog ever, aside from this blog, obviously.

Okay, so my friend sent me this blog Fuck You Penguin! because she thought I'd like it, and she was wrong, I don't like it, I don't even love it, I AM OBSESSED WITH IT. So please, after you've worshipped our blog, like, a lot, go check out this blog and read every single post, because animals should be put in their place. Here are two of my favourites....

Swans are nature's Porsche Drivers...

You know, there was once an ugly duckling who got picked on all of the time by the other ducks, who couldn't understand why the duckling was so ugly. But then it turned out that duckling wasn't really a duck at all, but was in fact a TOTAL FUCKING DICK.

Take this world-class douche, for example. Everyone is just hanging out, having a good time, and Mr. "My wingspan is bigger than yours" decides to unload on the scene. Even his swan friend is embarrassed. He probably does it all the fucking time because let's be honest: that's just what swans do. Me personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with a fucking swan.

Red "Panda" Trying to Steal Panda Thunder...

Ummm... Excuse me? Red Panda? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO FOOL.
This is a panda, you little sneaky jerk-off. Just because you are holding bamboo doesn't make you a panda, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. You are a fox or a raccoon, or some kind of rodent or something.

Where did you have this picture taken anyway, Sears? Are you that desperate to prevent your species from total annihilation?

This bear is essentially raping my soul

So basically this totally thoughtless motherfucker decided regular bears weren't cute enough. His solution? GIVE HIMSELF NATURAL FUCKING EYEGLASSES. Then, becoming the single cutest animal on the face of the earth, he laid on his fucking back so we could all see his goddamn belly, and then furtively glanced in our direction, thereby rendering any potential defense against his advances totally useless. Well played, Bear. I'm going to go take a shower now.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Artsy urban snow photographs? Yeah I’m doin’ it!

I was at some house party, not really watching the CANUCKS lose to the OILERS... more watching dudes get shittered and high until they barf in the sink. I was getting a little saucy myself but trying not to get too saucy cuz I have to work tomorrow, so I walked out of the mayhem and into a winter wonderland!!

I know I may be crass at times but unless you are homeless or heartless the night of the first snow in Vancouver is pretty fucking spectacular. All the cities grotesque sounds are muffled under a lovely layer of white crunchy goodness.

It always brings me back… when I was a kid I always walked my old dog Cassie through the first snow of the year. She loved running around and making fresh prints. Tear.

It takes me back to the first snowball exploding of the windshield of some idiots car… then dude stops, rolls down the window to yell at you and gets 3 more in the face. The first massive snow boulder of the year, carefully maneuvered down a hill for maximum growth then left in the middle of the road for drivers to deal with. And the first half cut wiz where you try to write hotmess but only get to hot me… which is ok too. Hours of pure joy and entertainment… leaving your nose running, hands tingling with frost bite and a shit eating grin on your face.

I love that first night when it snows, you immediately turn to the person next to you and start planning to “hit the slopes” with a mickey of rum and a stomper. Fucking snow rocks. It makes this city look amazing… for one goddamn night. Then the next morning everything gets dirty, turns to slush and ruins your shoes. Ahhhh but that first night of snow… nothing beats it. Here’s to you Vancouver, you gorgeous C U Next Tuesday. Thanks for being awesome!


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