Friday, January 16, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix are you jokequin' me?

So I did a little text talk with my friend Becky earlier today and she informed of the news.

It went like this:
Becky: Loved your Kanye West blog...made me laugh out loud...

Me: Aw shucks.

Becky: Blog about this cuz I think it's insane: Joaquin Phoenix is pursuing a career as a rap artist. His first album will be produced by P Diddy. Casey Affleck will film a doc about his journey from actor to rapper.

Me: Is it April the 1st today?

Becky: No.

Me: Am I dead?

Becky: Maybe a little inside.

Me: Excuse me while I wipe the vomit from my Joaquin Phoenix influenced beard..which I will now shave off and turn to life of crime because I no longer believe in anything.

Oh, it's true friends. Don't believe me? Here's the link:

Wow. Like what's his rap name going to be MC Cleft Lip? Here's another.

Someone commented on the above article by saying that "If Joaquin pulls this off right he'll be up there with Andy Kaufman."

I would have to agree with that statement. If this is some elaborate joke that Joaquin and his buddies came up with while drunk at a strip club and decided to act on for shits and giggles because they were bored with Hollywood and wanted to stir things up then the dude is a genius.

Unfortunately something deep in my soul tells me that this is not the case.

Like rap?!?!
Honestly, what the fuck?
If you really wanted a serious music career then why not do the Johnny Cash influenced countrified singer/ sogwriter thing. At least it's plausible! Weren't you nominated for an Oscar for rocking that style of shit in Walk the Line? Didn't you win a fucking Grammy?!?!?!?!?!? Me thinks you did.

All I can do is pray that you are a comic genius in disguise and this is your masterwork. You were so pissed that you didn't win the Oscar for Walk the Line ( just every other award) that you went all punk rock on the acting community, right?! You're pulling the wool over everyones eyes and just when you have us all believing the the hype you'll be all " PSYCHE bitches!" Right?
That's what I believe.
I have to.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Kanye West is stone cold crazy as fuck.

Which leads me to the question: Is a person's level of craziness proportional to the amount of money and/or celebrity they have? It seems that way to me.

I don't have to mention any OTHER names, you know who these celebs know the ones who have lost the plot somewhere along the line. The ones who left their baby momma/ daddy for their Puerto Rican dancer or lawn guy. The ones who's plastic surgeon fucked up their nose one too many times causing them to shave their head and flash their vahhhhhhhhina for a picture posse hanging outside the gates of their ranch in the hills or at The Ivy. Maybe I'm amalgamating all troubled celebs into one giant SUPERCELEB, but I do it to make a point. My point is this: For all of the madness that we've payed witness to by our famous friends, I truly believe that Kanye West is the fucking craziest of them all.

I saw it during a 2005 benefit for Hurricane Katrina victims.

I've seen it whenever he's won an award.

And this latest tidbit of info is just the icing on the cake.

No Kanye, we don't want to see you naked. Even people who love your music don't want to see you naked. Even my friend's horny sister doesn't want to see you naked.
The only way anyone would EVER want to see you naked is if you were pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair, and even that's a stretch....and disgusting to think about.

Creepy, crazy and really a pointless exercise.

Like what? You're going to show the world that you can make popular music plus you have a six pack to boot? Why would you even waste your time? It's the sign of someone with MASSIVE insecurities and it's Ker-A-Zeeeee.

I would rather be captured by Commies after running from schrapnel in a post-apocalyptic warzone while trying to save endangered Siberian Tiger cubs before I just up and told the world that they needed to see me naked. Then again, I'm still carrying some extra holiday weight.

Keep in mind, crazy to me is not necessarily a negative thing. I'm loopy as shit.
In Kanye's case I think he might just be a poor, misguided soul surrounded by yes men. His heart may be in the right place, after all he's done some positive things for hip hop, his culture, sticking up for gay rights etc., but man oh MAN can you please cool your jets a bit?!

If this is the type of stuff you're willing to do to stay a relevant media topic, then I fear for your future. That whole "I'm a rebel who can do and say anything, but I can also handle my business" thing went out of style when Madonna made her sex book...and she did it better.

I kind of like that Gold Digger track though.


Monday, January 12, 2009

People love lists...

so we're going to give some to you.

To kick it all off I'm giving you my list of favorite albums from 2008.

1. The Seldom Seen Kid - Elbow
Basically the song "Grounds for Divorce" is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. What makes it even better is that the band came on the tv show I produce in Vancouver and played it acoustically. Two guitars, one harmonica and five person vocal harmonies. Sadly Elbow are an extremely underrated band. Buy this and then buy their albums "Leaders of the Free World" and " Cast of Thousands." Most of it's pretty chill but if all you ever wanted was an earful of techno dance beats then you'd be fairly one dimensional wouldn't you? Yes, you would.

2. Only By The Night - Kings of Leon
I'm told that the ladies love these heartthrob hicks from the backwaters of Tennessee cuz they look good in a tight plaid shirt and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Did they sign on to be the next poster boys for the Hollywould-you-indie-rock-me-right-out-of-my-skin-tight-jeans scene? I doubt it. There's too much sincerity here. Great highway album.

3. In the Future- Black Mountain
This album feels like I went back in time to 1975, stole back the Sports Almanac from my nemesis, came back to 2008, realized that it was just the sports almanac dust jacket containing a French porno mag, and suddenly all the music had changed (because there had beena temperal disturbance in 1975 thus changing the current 2008 into an alternate 2008) .
Seventies-style prog rock in 2008. Updated for the beat generation. This will rock a wusses ass.

4. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
Likewise the Fleet Foxes sound like they're from a bygone era. Think the song Sea of Love as interpreted by My Morning Jacket and that's kind of the vibe I'm getting here.

5. Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Nick Cave is a fucking genius.

6. Sebastien Grainger & The Mountains (LP)
So everyone was all like DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979 is the best Canadian band of all time! They were right. Then DFA went on a world tour and came back DOA. People were sad. Then the bass player became the spokesperson for some power tools and created a band named after them call MSTRKRFT. The drummer/singer took his sweet ass time but finally created this gem. Renegade Silence has been my theme song for months.

7. Heads Off - The Hellacopters
These Swedes make better rock 'n roll than you or your friends could ever hope to make.

8. Oracular Spectacular- MGMT
Some people think that these magical midget pixies are from another planet and they've come here to show us how the make music in the eighth dimension. Other people like my friend Trevor Risk fucking hate this band.

9. Modern Guilt - Beck

When Beck played Vancouver he did this three or four song set midway through the concert where he whipped out his iPhone and made songs with it. People rejoiced like they'd just seen some real next level shit. I walked away from that concert asking my self one crucial question: How does Beck keep making better hip hop then most full fledged hip hop artists without even trying?

10. Missiles - The Dears
This album is so explosively intense that while it was being made most of the members of the band couldn't handle it and quit. This is The Dears White Album. It's amazing. Singer Murray Lightburn has symphonies in his head. This album made me cry steel tears of joy.

11. London Zoo - The Bug
The Bug crawled into my skull. It hasn't left yet. I think it laid some eggs. I might need to go to the doctor.

That's it.


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