Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Rock Bible: The Word or Blasphemy?

I recently found this book on the bedside table of a rent-by-the-minute room in a third-rate hotel, located on the other side of the tracks in a second-rate city. It was covered with liquor stains, cigarette burns and some of the pages were stuck together.

I couldn't really read it ...cuz I was drunk, but the teenage groupies I was with gave me the gist.
These are the TEN COMMANDMENTS of rock according to some guy who probably has a bald man ponytail or sports a skullet. While I agree with most of what's written in the scripture I have to take issue with Commandments numbers 2 and 3. If you disagree as well and want to tell the "prophet" author Henry Owings to SLAG OFF you can find him here http://www.quirkbooks.com/.
(ABOVE: possibly named Henry Owings)

The Rock Bible Ten Commandments
I. “Do not name your band after another current band’s song or album. Come to think of it, don’t name your band after any song or album. Nobody cares about your ‘good’ taste.”
II. “Turntables are not, nor have they ever been, a musical instrument.” - Uh, hello RUN DMC and Aerosmith.That's the exact moment turntables became a rock instrument. Fuck.
III. “Using your computer on stage means you’re as likely to be checking your e-mail as you are to be performing music.” - Last time I checked NIN rocked and so do many dj's REGARDLESS of the "genre" of music they play you Skynyrd loving fossil fuck face.
IV. “Never personally master your own recordings unless you really don’t want anyone to listen to them.”
V. “Everybody thinks they’re funny. Most people aren’t, especially soundmen.”
VI. “Few singers are allowed to drape scarves on microphone stands. You are not one of them.”
VII. “Rhythm guitar players should always look like they want to be somewhere else.”
VIII. “Those who figure they will play bass because it has two fewer strings than a guitar and is therefore easier to learn should probably just hold cases that hold guitars and basses.”
IX. “Singers who tell the audience to ‘Give it up for yourselves!’ should be attacked by hyenas.”
X. “Never spend more time on your hair than you would eating a modest-sized meal.”

As far as I'm concerned the dinosaur who wrote this is the one being blasphemous. I'm not without sin but I'll cast the first stone your way Owings. Those who agree feel free to join my cult, we're taking name suggestions. WE'LL WRITE OUR OWN BOOK! I promise I won't make you drink the Kool-Aid.

Jay

LAST TIME I CHECKED JACKNIFE LEE ROCKS AND USES COMPUTERS. CHECK THIS.

1 comment:

opportunityisnowhere said...

So you are the one that stole my book! I just went back to the hotel to get it and it was gone. I left it right next to The Dirt (the real Rock Bible).

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