Sunday, May 31, 2009

The MTV MOVIE AWARDS- A play by play review

6PM PT - Andy Samberg  is funny...oh he's now naked. Yep, he's Jewish for sure.

6-0-something- Megan Fox isn't as hot as my girlfriend.

6:21 - For some reason I want to punch Shia Laboeuf. I have no idea why. He' s the new Indiana Jones, which is cool....but...oh wait....FUCK

6:22 - Robert Pattinson just won the award for best fight. I have a hate on for sparkly vampires. I will continue to call him out until Corey Haim gets his shit together, stops smoking crystal meth FOR GOOD and revises his role as Sam from Lost Boys ( I'm pretending that sequel they made doesn't exists- it was fucking brutal) eats a shitload of garlic for lunch and pisses it in Robert Pattinson's eyes.

6:26-Eminem is a fucking cartoon character.

6:28= Close up on old woman Sandra Bullock dancing to Eminem surrounded by teenage sluts. The juxtaposition is horrifying.

6:34- "Cool guys walking away in slow motion from explosions" gave me a boner.

6:35 - We just realized how much we wished Will Farrell was our dad.....wait.
 That's sick. Cuz then my girlfriend and I would be brother and sister. I retract that statement.

6:37-I was about to write JONAH HILL KICKS ASS but now I am writing how much I hate SPARKLY VAMPIRES for the second time. Robert Pattinson just made a cum joke that wasn't funny to a room full of underage girls. In any other place besides Hollywood he would have been arrested as a pedophile. In an ideal world his arrest would be followed up with sober Corey Haim pissing garlic in his eye.

6:46-A naked gay angel just fell on wanna be gangsta rappers. Oh shit that was Eminiem!!!
Was it real? Was it staged? Who gives a shit it was hilarious. 

6:55- My girlfriend has a wide-on for Ryan Reynolds................little does she know that I secretly do too. I'm only planning on telling her 25 years from now after we've had a family and my coming out horribly messes up the kids. It will all be in my book" I Was Born a Gay Dad."

6:58-The sparlky vampire is up on stage again...I almost stop watching.


7:01-Chris Issak? I thought he was dead.

7:01- Forest Whitaker sings about his dick in a box. My girlfriend barfs all over me.

7:07- Lil Wayne's teeth sparkle like a gay vampire.

7:08- Hannah Montana wins. There is no god.

7:17- New Moon trailer intro by Pattinson. Basically I have completely tuned out. I have now opened a new window and have decided to search for nude pictures of the Golden Girls. I've heard so many jokes about naked pictures of Bea Arthur I can't remember if they're supposed to be real or not. Guess not.
This is the best I could find....

7:30 I'm interested again. The tribute to Ben Stiller is awesome. If I were an actor I'd be Kiefer Sutherland.  
What to do now? To be honest I'll probably just take a nap until Kings of Leon's my favorite song by them to bide your time while I enter sandman....

7:38- Shit that was quick! The Kings are playing "Use Somebody" and sound fucking great live! Real deal shit. No auto-tune. No dancing girls. No naked ass in Eminem's face. No gimmicks. 

7:58- Well, there you have it. Twilight wins "Best Movie of the Year." I guess I'm not surprised, Bu I'm also not impressed.....because I'm not a teenage girl...but I heard about this operation that they do in Austria...they turned this 45 year old man into an exact replica of Miley was totally freaky. What's even freakier is the inevitable question: Does that person now get Twilight? It's difficult to say. Emotionally he could have morphed into that which he sees in the mirror, a teenage girl OR he could still have the mind of a 45 year old Austrian man. Austrians a a crazy bunch. Science is fucked. I wish they would stop playing god. At any rate Interview with the Vampire just came on another channel. It's a GOOD vampire movie. You should check it out.


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